That is my life in a nutshell at the moment.
Good news:
My repeat mammogram was clear. Whatever it was they saw the first time was not there when I went back.
I finally heard back from the hospital that I had applied to as a nurse tech. However, they wanted me to interview at 0800 on last Wednesday morning, and they called me at 1700 Monday night. I have to give my current employer a little more than a day's notice if I am taking time off. Especially, if it is to look for a job. :/ Their reply was, "Well, I guess we'll have to get back to you." I didn't anticipate hearing back from them ever. I was telling a coworker so, and today my cell phone rang the moment the words escaped my lips. With my propensity for verbal diarreah, it was quite the challenge not to tell the HR lady "I was just saying that I was sure I'd never hear from you again." I have an interview with the nurse manager tomorrow afternoon. :D
Definitely a call I needed to get, especially since I applied with another hospital for a student nurse tech position that the job requirements are a GED and 1 clinical completed. I have completed 5 clinicals and am 8 months away from graduation. And yet I am not qualified to clean poop for this hospital. :(
I took my first test in psych and passed with a B. Amazingly, since I did not study nor read for this test. Which brings me to.....
Bad news:
My marriage is falling apart. Basically, I have been told that come graduation, and after I find a job as a nurse, I am on my own. Nice of him to let me finish school first.
We used to have such an amazing relationship. He came to me straight from his mom (probably mistake #1).And since we had no plans on having kids , I was thrilled to dote on him. We had lots of fun together. We had our separate friends and separate interests that made spending time together so much more interesting.
Then 4 years into our marriage, I became unexpectedly pregnant. Really unexpectedly, because I was told that due to a condition that I have, I would most likely never get pregnant. Well, most likely is not the same as never. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was nearly 5 months along. At my first ultrasound a few weeks later, I was told I was between 20-24 weeks.
Things were OK for the first couple of years after D. was born. But then I began to feel like I had two kids, instead of one. I was getting very little help around the house or with our child. Then as D. got older, it became apparent that we were going to have a challenge on our hands parenting-wise. I needed a partner. An equal. I wasn't getting that. I still am not.
Even though I am in school and working full time, I am still expected to carry all the parenting, housework, bill paying, etc. alone. I feel like I am drowning. I have talked till I am blue in the face, to no avail. On top of everything, I have been mentally and emotionally abused. And it all came to a head last week, when I had an emotional breakdown at work. The last straw was getting complaints from D.'s camp that he was not cooperating nor participating. In arts & crafts he made an "I hate you card" for his father for Father's Day. And I just lost it. I couldn't take it anymore, and had to go see a counselor at the University.
W. and I have just grown so far apart. We have zero common interests. We have dissimilar parenting styles (his first reaction is to beat and berate. I don't believe in hitting or name calling). We have different goals for the future. Each of us feels that the other does not support our goals. We are both anxious to leave Miami, and we don't even want to go to the same city.
I don't look forward to getting calls from him, because it is always to ask for something. I used to look forward to every time I would see him. Now I dread it. He is miserable. I am miserable. Together we make our son miserable. We have tried different ways of sparking up the marriage,but they are escapes, not repairs.
My son is being affected by all of this. Not that husband and I are fighting or anything. It is just complete and total apathy. However, D. is still getting all our love and support. At least mine, for sure. W doesn't even talk to D. He doesn't do anything with D. He lets D. play video games all the time when I am not home, just so D won't bother him. I come home after school to find D up at 2200, having not eaten, and playing games since 1800. W is usually in bed.
W feels that his mere presence is enough. It's not. When I became pregnant W thought he would have a playmate, but W never did stuff with D even as a small child. It was always wait until he gets older. By the time he tried, D already had his own interests. It was too late. So W just gave up.
If anything is done with D, I do it. I take him to ball games. I take him to parks. I take him to museums. I try to encourage his interests and expose him to new experiences. When we took the train to NY 2 years ago, W never spent time in NYC with D. And W is from there. I took D all over the city, to Chinatown, to Central Park, to the museums. I often feel like a single parent.
I am trapped at the moment. I can't afford to leave my job, yet. However, the job doesn't pay me enough to live on my own. So, until I finish school...I am stuck where I am. So much misery. So much heartache. It all hurts so much. I pulled out our photo albums, and I look at those people with fond memories. They seem like such a cute, happy couple even 6-7 years into marriage. I don't know them anymore, because I haven't seen them in such a long time.
I have asked W to go to counseling with me. His reply was "I don't see why you are dragging me into this." Because our marriage effects all of us. Well if he won't go, D & I are going. Maybe, it's me. Maybe I am the one who is changing. Maybe I am just reaching my limit. I don't know. I just know I have been very unhappy for a very long time.
So I apologize for this very long & depressing post. It's really here for me.
W.
My life as a wife, mother, and nurse.
